Sorry, my dear blog, I didn't mean to abandon you, but I just didn't have the mood to write to you. Maybe the same rhythm of living is the cause of it. What is worth to write when everyday is just the same?
Well, maybe not the same. The pain is getting loaded.
Pain? Winnie, you're not supposed to use the word, "pain", what do you know about pain? No, I don't. The "pain" is just my emotion, and sometimes imagination.
A while ago I was always happy and honest. I had no secrets, I shared everything; "the realest friend", as my friends called me. Well, lately things have been different: me. Something, or someone has changed me.
Monday, 19 July 2010
Sunday, 11 July 2010
Jealousy 11-7-2010
I saw Peishan's photos from Australia on facebook just a few minutes before, and I've seen her progress, magnificent progress, that she wouldn't have in Hong Kong.
She's a very good person, who treats me really well, I should be happy for her but somehow I'm jealous.
Jealousy is always a company of mine but I want it to keep its distance from me this time.
I'm thinking how much progress I'd have if I was there, in the study tour, in Australia. I'm so jealous. Why the rich students who don't like or even don't learn English, can have this opportunity to go? That's so unfair.
My friend once said the school should help the poor students like me, to go to study tours, because that's what we deserve. I almost cried when I heard her saying this, though the school would never do such a thing for us.
Stop it. Stop what you're thinking. You shouldn't be thinking this, remember how good Peishan is to you? You need stop this jealousy going through your heart.
She's a very good person, who treats me really well, I should be happy for her but somehow I'm jealous.
Jealousy is always a company of mine but I want it to keep its distance from me this time.
I'm thinking how much progress I'd have if I was there, in the study tour, in Australia. I'm so jealous. Why the rich students who don't like or even don't learn English, can have this opportunity to go? That's so unfair.
My friend once said the school should help the poor students like me, to go to study tours, because that's what we deserve. I almost cried when I heard her saying this, though the school would never do such a thing for us.
Stop it. Stop what you're thinking. You shouldn't be thinking this, remember how good Peishan is to you? You need stop this jealousy going through your heart.
Drinking 11-7-2010
I went to a Birthday party that was held by my mother's friend yesterday. She has been my mum's best friend for years, I've known her since I was a little kid. She has a daughter who is a few years older than me, and a son who is almost the same age as me.
She's one of the most open-minded mother I've met, and one of the coolest woman I've heard--She has this attitude that can lead the crowd, she can control any situations. She takes risks sometimes, that my mum called that as "crazy".
It was a great night, a crazy night. There was a cute guy, I couldn't keep my eye off him, I stared at him since the second he arrived. He was so quiet at first, but when he drank, that became a total different story. He had 15 glasses of bear and wine, kept competing with the others...... well that was all I saw, 15, I believe he had more. His face was so red, but he didn't stop. I drank with him twice, I was glad.
However, my mum's friend was better, she always is. She competed with everyone but no one, I mean no one, could beat her on drinking. "I'll raise your salary if you beat her......" her boss said, joking, since she kept him drinking right after dinner.
Even me, this little kid couldn't get away, and I ended up terribly. I can't remember how much I drank, not much I think; I'm not a good drinker. I went to the washroom and vomited in the middle of the party, then I went back and drank again. That was cool, I hadn't tried that for a long while.
Nightmare started after I got back home. I was dizzy, couldn't see straight; I almost passed out while I was having shower. It felt better after I vomited though. I felt like vomited again when I was sleeping, that was bad but soon I felt much better.
I did something really regrettable when I was drunk. My boyfriend called at night and I said crazy things, like how good it'd be if the one he loved was me, and how stupid he had been as he had loved another girl. I wasn't completely sober but I knew I shouldn't speak of any of those, but I still said it, because I knew it'd hurt him and I could blame it on the drinking in case if he'd bring it up. I wanted him to love me more, despite his personal feelings. I'm so cruel. He told me things from his heart when he's drunk, and I've dug a lot of secrets, but he forgets everything when he wakes up the next day. I picked up the worst thing to say and it hurt him deeply, especially during this difficult moment.
We'll see if anything changes, we'll see.
P.S. Sorry about the grammar mistakes, I'm such a dumb ass.
She's one of the most open-minded mother I've met, and one of the coolest woman I've heard--She has this attitude that can lead the crowd, she can control any situations. She takes risks sometimes, that my mum called that as "crazy".
It was a great night, a crazy night. There was a cute guy, I couldn't keep my eye off him, I stared at him since the second he arrived. He was so quiet at first, but when he drank, that became a total different story. He had 15 glasses of bear and wine, kept competing with the others...... well that was all I saw, 15, I believe he had more. His face was so red, but he didn't stop. I drank with him twice, I was glad.
However, my mum's friend was better, she always is. She competed with everyone but no one, I mean no one, could beat her on drinking. "I'll raise your salary if you beat her......" her boss said, joking, since she kept him drinking right after dinner.
Even me, this little kid couldn't get away, and I ended up terribly. I can't remember how much I drank, not much I think; I'm not a good drinker. I went to the washroom and vomited in the middle of the party, then I went back and drank again. That was cool, I hadn't tried that for a long while.
Nightmare started after I got back home. I was dizzy, couldn't see straight; I almost passed out while I was having shower. It felt better after I vomited though. I felt like vomited again when I was sleeping, that was bad but soon I felt much better.
I did something really regrettable when I was drunk. My boyfriend called at night and I said crazy things, like how good it'd be if the one he loved was me, and how stupid he had been as he had loved another girl. I wasn't completely sober but I knew I shouldn't speak of any of those, but I still said it, because I knew it'd hurt him and I could blame it on the drinking in case if he'd bring it up. I wanted him to love me more, despite his personal feelings. I'm so cruel. He told me things from his heart when he's drunk, and I've dug a lot of secrets, but he forgets everything when he wakes up the next day. I picked up the worst thing to say and it hurt him deeply, especially during this difficult moment.
We'll see if anything changes, we'll see.
P.S. Sorry about the grammar mistakes, I'm such a dumb ass.
Monday, 5 July 2010
Peishan Left for Australia Yesterday 5-7-2010
Yesterday night Peishan took her flight to Australia, some of the classmates and I had a farewell dinner with her. I like Peishan a lot, she's one of the few numbers of people around me who don't take advantage for helping others...... and she's also the naivest person I've met.
It was a great time last night surprisingly, since I separate mates in school and friends outside of school pretty well and I never go out with the mates in school; it was the first time, and it was surprisingly pretty good...... well, better than I thought: the reason must be Peishan was there.
Peishan is a quiet, ordinary girl, who was from Mainland China. She's 17, I was shocked when I found out since I had thought she'd have probably been younger than me. She's really nice, and frankly she's too nice that sometimes people lie to her and take advantage from her; I usually stand up for her, I like arguing at school, because I always win, they're just too childish.
Peishan's English is horrible, she's really good at Mandarin instead. We help each other out, I like the time we work together, it was fun. One amazing thing about Peishan is that she is really patient: I'm a bad-tempered person, terrible that you can't even imagine, people mostly avoid me when I'm losing it but somehow Peishan takes it very easily. Strange. Strange but special.
Peishan usually calls me in the morning and asks if I want to go to school with her, and when we're at school I always talk to her about everything, especially funny things. Now that she's not here, I'm not used to it. I wonder how she is in Australia, she knows no one and she's not good at communicating...... I'm kind of worried. I miss her, a lot. I miss her even more than I miss my boyfriend. I wish she'll be fine there.
I still remember her teary eyes when she was on the bus, I bet she cried. I wished I had stayed with her until she got on the plane, because other kids had their parents with them and she was all alone, she'd have been happier if I did that. Shit.
It was a great time last night surprisingly, since I separate mates in school and friends outside of school pretty well and I never go out with the mates in school; it was the first time, and it was surprisingly pretty good...... well, better than I thought: the reason must be Peishan was there.
Peishan is a quiet, ordinary girl, who was from Mainland China. She's 17, I was shocked when I found out since I had thought she'd have probably been younger than me. She's really nice, and frankly she's too nice that sometimes people lie to her and take advantage from her; I usually stand up for her, I like arguing at school, because I always win, they're just too childish.
Peishan's English is horrible, she's really good at Mandarin instead. We help each other out, I like the time we work together, it was fun. One amazing thing about Peishan is that she is really patient: I'm a bad-tempered person, terrible that you can't even imagine, people mostly avoid me when I'm losing it but somehow Peishan takes it very easily. Strange. Strange but special.
Peishan usually calls me in the morning and asks if I want to go to school with her, and when we're at school I always talk to her about everything, especially funny things. Now that she's not here, I'm not used to it. I wonder how she is in Australia, she knows no one and she's not good at communicating...... I'm kind of worried. I miss her, a lot. I miss her even more than I miss my boyfriend. I wish she'll be fine there.
I still remember her teary eyes when she was on the bus, I bet she cried. I wished I had stayed with her until she got on the plane, because other kids had their parents with them and she was all alone, she'd have been happier if I did that. Shit.
Saturday, 3 July 2010
Finding a Job 3-7-2010
I looked for part-time jobs yesterday for four hours but I couldn't find any.
Here is what I've learned :
1. No restaurants care if you speak English and Mandarin or not, they just care about how long will you work there and how much they need to pay you, and maybe your age.
2. Never believe in what the announcements they put outside the door.
3. Go inside to every shop you want to work at, because you may get a chance.
4. Ask your friends to look for jobs for you at the same time.
5. Don't tell your family what kind of jobs you've been looking for, because they'll panic...... well that's what happened to me.
6. Be sure to give them your phone number whether they want it or not, because they might need it someday.
7. Don't expect anything when you start to look for jobs.
8. If you're below 16, be sure to look for jobs much earlier than the others, because you're younger and they'll think you aren't as good as the 16.
9. When you're 16, congratulations, you have a better chance to work in a better place.
On my way of searching, I saw my the tutor who I had when I was in Primary 4 and she said she would hire me when I'm 16 to help her with tutoring. That's a perfect job for me, especially in this generation that even university graduates can't get a job; or if they need money a lot, they'll have to work at some sort of jobs which aren't good enough for them, like waitress, the same types of jobs I was looking for.
My family didn't like the idea of working though. Today they came out an odd idea: they'll hire me to clean the house and cook the meal for $3000 per month. Seriously it's not a difficult job and according to my mother, I could learn to be a real woman. However, if I do it, the point of earning experience in society will be gone, but right now no one else is going to hire me so it seems like a good idea.
Also, I kind of need money, not a big amount of money, only about a thousand dollars. You may want to know why, but I'll just keep it to myself because you'll think I'm extremely stupid after I tell you. I'll give you a hint: you'll find out if you remember this blog in a few months later. I highly doubt if I'll write about his before that comes......
Before this blog ends, I want to thank my family for doing this, they love me very much and they don't want me to get hurt so young in this age. That's an odd idea, but very thoughtful, I appreciate it.
Here is what I've learned :
1. No restaurants care if you speak English and Mandarin or not, they just care about how long will you work there and how much they need to pay you, and maybe your age.
2. Never believe in what the announcements they put outside the door.
3. Go inside to every shop you want to work at, because you may get a chance.
4. Ask your friends to look for jobs for you at the same time.
5. Don't tell your family what kind of jobs you've been looking for, because they'll panic...... well that's what happened to me.
6. Be sure to give them your phone number whether they want it or not, because they might need it someday.
7. Don't expect anything when you start to look for jobs.
8. If you're below 16, be sure to look for jobs much earlier than the others, because you're younger and they'll think you aren't as good as the 16.
9. When you're 16, congratulations, you have a better chance to work in a better place.
On my way of searching, I saw my the tutor who I had when I was in Primary 4 and she said she would hire me when I'm 16 to help her with tutoring. That's a perfect job for me, especially in this generation that even university graduates can't get a job; or if they need money a lot, they'll have to work at some sort of jobs which aren't good enough for them, like waitress, the same types of jobs I was looking for.
My family didn't like the idea of working though. Today they came out an odd idea: they'll hire me to clean the house and cook the meal for $3000 per month. Seriously it's not a difficult job and according to my mother, I could learn to be a real woman. However, if I do it, the point of earning experience in society will be gone, but right now no one else is going to hire me so it seems like a good idea.
Also, I kind of need money, not a big amount of money, only about a thousand dollars. You may want to know why, but I'll just keep it to myself because you'll think I'm extremely stupid after I tell you. I'll give you a hint: you'll find out if you remember this blog in a few months later. I highly doubt if I'll write about his before that comes......
Before this blog ends, I want to thank my family for doing this, they love me very much and they don't want me to get hurt so young in this age. That's an odd idea, but very thoughtful, I appreciate it.
The End of Ms. Rose's Class 3-7-2010
I'm still kind of sad about the end of Ms. Rose's class. I admit I hate to get up so early in the morning and go to school on Saturdays, but I seriously like Ms. Rose's class even though I never speak of it to anyone. I wonder if she knows it?
Something Ms. Rose said at last was touching, at least it was to me. She appreciated how we went to school last week and this morning as the weather was really unbearable; Many people thought we wouldn't come, but many of us showed up. Maybe it wasn't about what she said, I guess it was about the way she said it.
Some people aren't interested in her class, I wonder if they understand what she talks about, they don't want to go, they are forced to. So I highly doubt if the school will invite Ms. Rose to teach Saturday class again. Moreover, the Principle will be a different woman, I'm still not sure wether she's a kind of Principle who really care about English. If yes, then there might be even more recourses for us than last year; if not, many unnecessary budget will be cut down, including Ms. Rose's class.
I'll E-mail her sometimes, and if I write a story, I'll definitely send it to her.
She gave me a writing competition's information before I had final exams, I found the topic was interesting but I didn't join since I couldn't measure the time to do so. Yet I'm still interested in the topic and I'm going to write and send it to Ms. Rose, just to let her read and comment. The story will be written with no pressure underneath so I assume it'll be as good as I want it to be. Besides, if I write under stress, I might not have good ideas for the story, like how I always do in my exams. I'll have to work on it.
Yesterday I thought about Ms. Rose, a very weird thought: Ms. Rose is old, she doesn't look old but she is, and she's not healthy, I can tell from the body she has. What if she suddenly gets very sick and die?
I thought about it not because I hate her or something, I like her a lot, and I did it because I was afraid whether it'll happen. As I said, I like her a lot, and she's a really really really great teacher, it'd be my pleasure if she could watch me growing up and teach me along. There was a scene in my head that I went to hospital to visit her and saw she didn't look well. My tears came out just by imagining it, it was like I was actually sitting next to her bed and looking at her.
She doesn't know how much she means to me, neither do I, but there's a place in my heart where she'll always remain.
Something Ms. Rose said at last was touching, at least it was to me. She appreciated how we went to school last week and this morning as the weather was really unbearable; Many people thought we wouldn't come, but many of us showed up. Maybe it wasn't about what she said, I guess it was about the way she said it.
Some people aren't interested in her class, I wonder if they understand what she talks about, they don't want to go, they are forced to. So I highly doubt if the school will invite Ms. Rose to teach Saturday class again. Moreover, the Principle will be a different woman, I'm still not sure wether she's a kind of Principle who really care about English. If yes, then there might be even more recourses for us than last year; if not, many unnecessary budget will be cut down, including Ms. Rose's class.
I'll E-mail her sometimes, and if I write a story, I'll definitely send it to her.
She gave me a writing competition's information before I had final exams, I found the topic was interesting but I didn't join since I couldn't measure the time to do so. Yet I'm still interested in the topic and I'm going to write and send it to Ms. Rose, just to let her read and comment. The story will be written with no pressure underneath so I assume it'll be as good as I want it to be. Besides, if I write under stress, I might not have good ideas for the story, like how I always do in my exams. I'll have to work on it.
Yesterday I thought about Ms. Rose, a very weird thought: Ms. Rose is old, she doesn't look old but she is, and she's not healthy, I can tell from the body she has. What if she suddenly gets very sick and die?
I thought about it not because I hate her or something, I like her a lot, and I did it because I was afraid whether it'll happen. As I said, I like her a lot, and she's a really really really great teacher, it'd be my pleasure if she could watch me growing up and teach me along. There was a scene in my head that I went to hospital to visit her and saw she didn't look well. My tears came out just by imagining it, it was like I was actually sitting next to her bed and looking at her.
She doesn't know how much she means to me, neither do I, but there's a place in my heart where she'll always remain.
Thursday, 1 July 2010
A Night Out 1-7-2010
I was supposed to write here yesterday night, but I was too drunk to stay awake so I just went to sleep.
I went out with some "friends" yesterday night... well you'd probably call them my "friends". They aren't people from school, they have nothing to do with it, so I guess they're "friends", despite the fact that they'll all disappear when I get into trouble.
Anyway, we went out because it was someone's birthday, I didn't know who though. We went to the beach, it was really hot at first but the longer the sun got down, the more comfortable it became.
I only knew 5 girls amount the 16 people, all guys, wealthy guys; I guess that's another reason why the party was held. I was really glad that a guy had his eye on me, he asked me out, sadly I got no interest on him. He brought me confidence, which I hadn't owned for a long while.
I got drunk, again; I guess I passed out because I couldn't recall how I got home. I never thought it could be dangerous, I believed my girls would take care of me.
I didn't speak to my boyfriend all day yesterday, I missed him, but as soon as I arrived home, he called. It was comforting. It always happens, when I think he's not going to call tonight, he calls, with my joy along.
Was yesterday night fun? It was merely okay; not the best I had. I realized I don't enjoy hanging out in this way so much nowadays. Have I grown up a little bit more? Maybe. I will find something else cheer me up more later, with someone else. I feel the best thing to me right now is to have a part-time job or to stay at home.
I went out with some "friends" yesterday night... well you'd probably call them my "friends". They aren't people from school, they have nothing to do with it, so I guess they're "friends", despite the fact that they'll all disappear when I get into trouble.
Anyway, we went out because it was someone's birthday, I didn't know who though. We went to the beach, it was really hot at first but the longer the sun got down, the more comfortable it became.
I only knew 5 girls amount the 16 people, all guys, wealthy guys; I guess that's another reason why the party was held. I was really glad that a guy had his eye on me, he asked me out, sadly I got no interest on him. He brought me confidence, which I hadn't owned for a long while.
I got drunk, again; I guess I passed out because I couldn't recall how I got home. I never thought it could be dangerous, I believed my girls would take care of me.
I didn't speak to my boyfriend all day yesterday, I missed him, but as soon as I arrived home, he called. It was comforting. It always happens, when I think he's not going to call tonight, he calls, with my joy along.
Was yesterday night fun? It was merely okay; not the best I had. I realized I don't enjoy hanging out in this way so much nowadays. Have I grown up a little bit more? Maybe. I will find something else cheer me up more later, with someone else. I feel the best thing to me right now is to have a part-time job or to stay at home.
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