Monday morning, assembly like usual. I always find it difficult to breathe in the crowd, and today it went worse than I had ever expected.
I felt dizzy in the middle of assembly, I thought I would get better after I went back to the classroom, like I always did. I could hardly stay conscious, I tried not to fall down and prayed, please finish this quickly. I tried to breathe, but didn't work well, there wasn't enough air. I looked at a boy next to me, he was confused, because I couldn't say a word. Help me, this never came out of my mouth.
The crowd moved finally. Thank God, I thought. I followed with unstable steps. It can't be any worse, I thought.
Then a teacher came, to make things even more difficult. I told her with my last breath that I couldn't breathe, tears went out. She told me to sit in the chair. It made no difference as the seat wasn't in somewhere with enough air. I stumbled to the seat, gasping and gasping.
I knew what was happening, my heart and lung aren't as strong as the others, that's what my doctor always say. I thought I was dying.
Then a girl came, I couldn't recognize her at first, but later I saw her face, she's a classmate in Math lesson. She saw me and she talked to the teacher and asked for me to go to the sickroom, but she wouldn't bother to care, she just said, "Let her cry, air will runs to her lung when she's done crying." how cruel to say.
I could only hear myself gasping, and my heart-beat going slower and slower, her cruelty has stab a knife in my neck and took away the air I breathe in. I prayed, that someone who knew my condition would come and help; I screamed, "Help me", but no one could ever hear; I gasped, no air would fill in.
Then I heard a voice, from the new discipline teacher, asking people to take me to the sickroom. I was so thankful, I stood up with the help of the girl, and walked for a few steps before I lost balance. There wasn't any strength left.
Another hand reached to me, an English teacher, she said to me, "There's only a few more steps left, hold on!" I didn't fully fade away. I could recognize her by her voice, she was the English teacher who trained me last year for the speech festival. And we finally got to the sickroom, where I heard lots of voices, one of them was the principle's, who was astonished and mad about this situation.
I got back to my classroom when I felt okay, everyone was so worried and mad. Peishan saw me when I was stumbling, she regretted not helping me; Wilfred said he saw me looking pale this morning, and he was sorry that he didn't help. I said it was alright to both of them, they didn't know it anyway.
The fear of dying remained until the end of the day. Ms. Lovelace saw me crying in the afternoon, she asked if I was okay concernedly, I said I was fine with a smile. Then she cried, I was so shocked, "See, you made me cry too." she said, I remembered it so well, and I cried even more later because of her love. I showed her a bigger smile, and told her again that I was fine and I would talk to her later.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
21-10-2010
I went to the doctor and I told him about what happened last Monday. He then started his treatment, he punched my left arm, my neck, and my clavicle. The pain made my cry soon, very soon. It was just too painful, but I had to take it, I still wanted to live.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
28-10-2010
Thursday night, doctor night. The pain scared me, but dying scared me the most, so I'd just keep going. This time, another arm. Maybe I have got used to the pain. I got through it without a tear, I just held my breath, and the 1 hour of suffering ended. Fabulous.
People sent me regards, lots people, and I thank them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
30-10-2010
I woke up very early to go to a book fair in a university. I bought 23 books from there, all were $5 or $10, SO CHEAP!!! I even found a book that was written by our school's Math teacher, surely I bought it with $10 even though I don't know what it says, haha! I'm giving it to someone, maybe Timothy or PL.
Now it's nearly night, tomorrow will be Halloween and Blanca's birthday. Sadly, the coming Tuesday will be our first big tests. How disappointing, we can only celebrate tonight, not so official.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
31-10-2010
I just came back, and it's 9 in the morning. We went out for the whole night, felt like never had so much fun forever. There were the closest friends, and some people who I don't trust, and probably never will.
*Betiris and I
*Jessica and I
*Blanca and I
*Us four and a cake
*Halloween promotion in a mall
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2-11-2010
Last night I slept quite well, until a phone call woke me up. It was my ex, again. He has been calling during the middle of the night, especially when he gets drunk, his non-stop calling just drives me crazy. Sometimes when I wake up and check how many phone calls I miss, there would be twenty or more, all from him.
I picked up the phone, the same voice again, crying. In stead of loving him, I only treat him like a friend, and care about him generally like a normal friend.
He talked, but most of the time I wasn't listening, then he said one thing that caught my attention: he went to the doctor, and he only has one year to live if he keeps drinking. My eyes were wide-opened, then the image turned blurred, and my pillow got wet. He soothed me, and I begged him not to drink anymore, he said it was the only interest he had. I cried, hopelessly, I knew he never listened to me, not before and never will be.
I don't understand why he sees himself as the most pitiful person in the world, there are certainly many more people who have a worse condition than he does, but he just selfishly drown himself into his small brain and drink every damn day. I hate him doing this, it worries me before, and it worries me now.
A thought suddenly crossed my mind that maybe I was one of the causes of it. If I didn't leave him, would he still drink so much?
"Guilt is a terrible thing. It eats at you, chews you inside. I couldn't settle. I kept hearing my own words in my head, pounding around and around like fists on a drum."
by Sue Mayfield - Drowning Anna
Luckily I washed these minds away while I took the tests today, but didn't do well at all.
Later today, I called one of my ex's friends, Dante, I told him about it. He was so angry, how my ex didn't told them guys about it. In fact, I wouldn't know if he didn't drink last night. He said he'd take care of this, and he was pretty sure that it's not as bad as my ex told me.
Hope he'll be fine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6-11-2010
The tests were over, but my mood is still bad. Two reasons: 1. I fucked up in my tests, except the English one; 2. I don't know, just feel so damned.
I shouldn't have felt bad for the failure of the tests, since I've moved to F.4 and everything is new, I have set up a time for myself to get used to this. However, it sucks.
Actually the second reason is probably because of my ex, I'm still worried. Two days ago he called again, I knew he'd blame me for telling Dante his condition, so I didn't answer the phone. I doubt if I wanted to listen to him anymore. I told Dante that I was scared of him, and he said it would be fine if I answer the phone. I did as he said, and the first thing my ex said was, "Why did you tell Dante about it!?" I was tired, I hung up, I am not the one to be blamed. He called again, kept calling, I turned off the phone.
No comments:
Post a Comment